I Can't Run!

I went for my 4 mile run the other day and discovered I couldn't run. No. Literally, I could NOT run! My calves were so locked up I couldn't run. Of course, at first I thought I was just being a wuss. I mean, out of all the disciplines I'm doing running should be the easiest, right??? WRONG!!!

I joined a triathlon training group about 4 weeks ago and the overall tri coach asked me what I thought my weakest area was. She thought I'd say swimming because that's what most people say, but I told her running. Definately running. She told me to meet with Coach Brett the following Tuesday and he'd help me with my run.

I went feeling somewhat confident and even a little excited. After all, I'm always looking for ways to improve myself. So I get there and meet up with Coach Brett. He takes one look at me and asks me how long I've been running. I tell him about about 6 weeks. He asks me what distance I run. I told him about 3-6 miles. How many days a week he asks me. I tell him about 2-3 days a week. He says, "Ok. You qualify to be here." Oh CRAP! I thought. I'm doomed! Needless to say, this guy is very serious about running. Then he asks me to run a lap. I'm so nervous at this point I take off running way too fast and poop out (but didn't stop) less than a quarter way around the track.

What seemed like an eternity, I finally make it around the track back to Coach Brett. Eager to hear what he has to say, I approach him huffing and puffing. He then proceeds to tell me that I'm all over the place. I'm completely out of balance and that I'm crossing in front of myself and landing wrong with each stride. He told me to stand by the fence and gave me a few excercises to do. I stood there by the fence feeling like a fool, but did the exercises he told me to do. After a few minutes he comes back to me and tells me to run 2 laps around the track to check my pace. OH CRAP! I think again. He sets his watch and I take off. Six minutes later I complete 2 laps. As I had expected, Coach Brett told me I needed to work on my pace. Poo!!!!

By this time I'm looking at my watch hoping the 50 minutes was over. It wasn't. But, to my surprise, Coach Brett asks me what more I thought I could do. Thank goodness he could see I was discouraged and struggling. I told him I thought I could do one more lap. He said okay and then told me to lean into me step and to hit the ground with the forefront of my foot, keep my head up, shoulders square and swing my arms forward and back not across the front of me. So I did. And to my surprise my knee pain vanished. AND I completed the lap with less struggle! Shocker!!!!

When I was done with the lap, I was dismissed. Coach Brett told me that he didn't want to overwhelm me (too late) and to practice what I learned. I was both grateful and relieved. Who knew running was going to be so difficult???

I wish I could say that now I'm an avid runner. Not quite. After all, as I mentioned in the beginning, I just tried to run my usual 4 miles and my calves locked up on me. However, I figure this is a good sign. After all, the correct muscles are working. Now if I can just get them not to lock up I'll be in good shape.

What Do You Do???

The day started out great. I got the kids off to school early, ran 3.5 miles (and didn't stop), was on my way home when I got the text, "Have you checked your email today? something something something Jared Jones has been missing since last night. something something something. search parties up at Rocky Peak."

My heart sank.

Of course, you automatically think the worse, but hope for the best. But there is something telling you, "this isn't good".

After much texting and calling back and forth. The dreaded truth was confirmed. They found Jared but he's no longer with us. Possible cause of death: suicide.

My day goes on as life seems to do, but my mood gets sadder and sadder. I can't stop thinking about Tamara, his wife whom he left behind. What about her? How is she supposed to go on? How is she supposed to live with this? And what can I do to help her????? I want to help. I want to reach out. But I don't really know her that well. I'm friendly with her at church and I knew her husband just barely. What kind of comfort or words of reassurance could someone she barely knows give?

Tamara and Jared were my sons Primary teachers last year and my son loved them. They were the sweetest couple and absolutely loved the kids they taught. So I figure I have to tell my son but what do I say? How do I tell him? He will be so sad about this. He loved Jared. He thought he was so cool because he would bring his guitar into class and incorporate songs into the lesson.

The day goes on and I pick up Robert and Carly from school. As soon as Robert gets settled into the car I tell him, "I've got something sad to tell you. Remember Brother Jared Jones your old primary teacher? He died today."
Robert said, "Brother Jared??? What??? How????"

"I don't know, baby." I say, "He went for a hike last night and never came back and they found him on the side of the trail this morning."

"Did he fall?" Robert asked

"I don't think so."

"Was there something wrong with his heart?? He was so young." Robert says.

"No. I don't know exactly what happened." I say.

Robert pauses for a moment then he says, "Heavenly Father needed him. That's why he died." I just said (as tears welled up in my eyes) "Yes. He was a good man, wasn't he?" And left it at that.

I'm still baffled and my heart still breaks for his family and his wife. And I'm still asking WHY???? Why did he do this. I probably will never know. But what I do know is this: life will go on. Tamra will pick up the pieces and be able to live her life again. And all I can hope to do is to be able to know what to do when I'm needed.

Cycling

I wish I could bottle the feeling I get while cycling through the back roads of SoCal. That way I could experience the exhilaration I get everytime I ride anytime I want.

Yesterday we rode into Hidden Valley (yep just like the salad dressing). And because you're on a bike you see things you wouldn't see in a car. The sun was just starting to set when we rode passed the lake then through the ranches. We saw horses frolicking in their pasture and heard cows mooing in the fields all while a slight head wind brushes against your face and the aroma of fresh air fill your nostrils. You feel your heart pumping your blood through your veins and filling your muscles giving them what they need to keep spinning. You feel the air moving in and out of your lungs and all you can think of is, "Man! It's great to be alive!".
Yep. There's something truly spectacular about that.

Three More Weeks

Three more weeks and I'm rAcing in my 2nd triathlon. I'm super nervous and confident at the same time(is that possible?). I really want to do well. Really well. Like top 5 of my age group. So that's where my nervousness comes from. I'm 44. So we'll see. I can only do what I can do right?

Ever feel like you've got something to prove? That's what I feel like. Like somehow I've got to show the forces of the world that nothing can stop me -- nothing can hold me back and no matter how hard they try they're not going to break me. So that's why I'm working so hard at this.

So October 1st is the big day. Three more weeks. Wish me luck.

What I've Learned This Year

So its no secret that this past year has been most trying. But the lessons learned have been invaluable. I have learned that as difficult as life gets you are never alone - that there definitely is a God who loves and knows us individually. I have learned that no matter how you try to do the right thing there are some people who will always believe you are bad and there is nothing you can do to change their minds. I have learned to be true to myself in spite of all the bad things that have been said about me. I have learned that if you are true to yourself you will be blessed immensely with piece of mind and people who know you for who you are. I have learned that as much as you so want something in your life that maybe that something isn't always good for and you have to let it go. I have learned that I can NOT live this life without the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. I have learned that I am a survivor and that because of this it appears that I never need help when in reality I do. I have learned that you can laugh and cry hard all in the same day. I have learned more about the gifts I've been blessed with and not to second guess them. I have learned that I married the most amazing man who is a far stronger person than i am and who is my partner in all things. And, it goes without saying that my kids continue to amaze me and I learn the most from them.

My senior year in college I did my senior thesis on the Jewish concentration camps and Victor Frankel's book "Man's Search For Meaning". It was definitely my greatest accomplishment achieved in my college career. I studied the life of the Jewish people while in the camps and hadn't at that time understood the magnitude it took to survive such an ordeal - not until this year that is. Now, I would never equate my life to that of life in a concentration camp. However, I understand the mind set it takes to survive and to survive well. Even when you think you can't possibly endure anymore, I'm here to say you can. Somehow. Some way. You can. And no matter how the outside forces of this crazy world try to break you down you still have the choice on how you're going to survive. And this was the greatest lesson I learned this year -- how I was going to survive.

Picture This!

Carly and I were playing with the camera the other night and this is what we came up with:
It initially started because Carly insisted on doing my hair (as you can see in this photo) It's some kind of Pippy-Longstocking/Princess Leah thing and she insisted that she take a picture of it too. So in spite of no make-up I let her take the picture.

From there it turned into serveral adorable photos of my beautiful little girl :)

And then there's me....

All for the sake of making memories, right?

.

Dr Seuss's Birthday

Dr. Seuss's Birthday was in March. Robert's school had a contest on who could come up with the best Dr. Seuss hat. Of course, Carly had to get in on the action too. Although, the pre-school wasn't participating. All along I had an idea on what to do for the hats, but never got around to it until that morning. Here's what we came up with:

Turns out Robert won the contest and got the Lorox for his prize! Let's face it, if Carly's class was particpating should would have won too.

Not bad for last minute!

Saturdays

Saturdays are the days that I get all the projects I didn't get done during the week done. This usually includes yard duties. I make the kids come out with me because I can't stand them sitting around watching TV while I'm out working like a dog. That just irritates me to death. So I make them my little slaves fetching me this and fetching me that and also keeping an eye on the dogs so they don't undo everything I've just done.

Anyway, this one particular Saturday I guess I worked them pretty hard because while I was hosing down the patio I turn around and see this:

HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!

Tooth Missing!

I love this look! Nothing says childhood like your two front teeth missing, right?

We were in Oregon visiting my sister and her family over spring break when Robert lost his 6th tooth. He didn't want me to pull it even though it was hanging by a thread. He wanted me to wait until that upcoming Saturday "because it's Dad's birthday". I don't know why we had to wait 'til Mike's birthday. But it was important to Robert that we wait. So I respectfully waited. And waited. Honestly, it was driving me nuts. The tooth NEEDED to come out!

Fortunately the torture ended that evening. Robert was wrestling around with his cousin, Henry. I think the tooth bothered Henry as much as it did me because Henry starting tickling Rob and while he was laughing with his mouth wide open, Henry reached in and flicked Rob's tooth and that's all it took. Robert's tooth flew out of his mouth and Yay!!! It was all over.

Of course, the Tooth Fairy came that night and, once again, all was well in the world.




The Cousins:

Oliver

Carly and Lillian Putting Make-Up On Each Other

Thomas

Hyrum

The Three Amigos: Thomas, Robert & Hyrum

Sorry. No pics of Henry. But just imagine Oliver 10 years older. They look EXACTLY alike :)

People Come & Go, But Good Friends....

LAST FOREVER!!!!

It is never "Good-Bye" when it comes to good friends. It's just a "See you later" or an "Until next time". But never "Good-Bye".

Our dear sweet friend, Elizabeth, is moving to New Mexico tomorrow. We had our last Friday Girl's Lunch together with her today. I would be lying if I said that I'm okay with this. Because I'm not. I'm just sad.

I admit I have a gajillion best girl friends. However, each one fills a specific need in my life and helps me in different ways. And all of them together make me who I am. I also feel like each one has been hand-picked by God just for me to help me cope and get through this crazy journey of mine. So for one (or two) to move away just upsets my whole flow in life.

I'm greatful for knowing Elizabeth. I know she knows what she means to me and how much I love her. And I also know that this is definately not "Good-Bye". I look forward to our walks and talks and hikes in New Mexico. Nothings going to change. It's just another phase that we'll get through. But nothing is going to change.

So... until our next hike together in New Mexico!

I Wish I Could Go Back

The kids and I went up to St. George this weekend. It was a great weekend. We went up to Brian Head Ski Resort and enjoyed the snow as snow should be. I say that only because if ever there was the greatest snow on earth it's definately found in Utah. No doubt about it.

Carly didn't want to go tubing because she would have to go alone and ride in her own tube so she and I played in the snow while my sister, Sara, and Robert slid down the hill. Sara and I took turns playing with Carly so I could tube too. All in all it was a great day in the snow.

Sunday we went to church with my folks. They still belong to the same ward I grew up in so it was nice seeing some old familiar faces. All my friends I grew up with had, of course, moved away so I certainly wasn't expecting to see any of them. So imagine my pleasant surprise when I hear a member of the bishopric announce that the musical number would be sung by Judy, Dana, Trevor and Danette Maxwell. It was like we had just morphed back to 1985. The Maxwell Family was always the musical number when I was growing up. And Danette was one of my dearest friends and, so, to say the least I was thrilled to see her. We met up after Sacrament Meeting, chatted for a moment, and decided to get together after church.

Danette lived across the street from me. Actually is was more like across the street and across a vacant lot from me. I loved going over to her house. Her family was so warm, loving and accepting. So my sister, Maria, and I would always go over there after school. The Maxwell's home was a safe haven for us.

I went through a lot in High School. I'm sure it was no different than a lot of teenagers go through: low self-esteem, insecurities, acne, bad hair, no love life. All in all I was a loser. At least that's the way I felt. Really I wasn't, but I was convinced I was. But when we'd go over to the Maxwell's that was somewhat lifted. We would laugh so hard our tummies would hurt. We truly had some great times.

However, I had forgotten those good times or rather how fun they really were. All I could remember was how I hated St. George so bad that I couldn't wait to get out of there. In fact, I hated it so bad that I cut ties with every one I knew there. Even my dearest friends who truly loved me. Isn't that terrible? I know. It was. But I was a different person then. I had to get away. I had to heal. I had to learn to love the Lord and ultimately to love myself. It took many years.

Eventually, I started to come in contact with some of these old friends of mine. And slowly those old fun memories started to come back. In fact, I wish I could go back and live them again. We really had some good times. And Man! Were We Stupid!

Needless to say, it was so good to see my dear friend. She helped me close a chapter in my life I'm so glad to finally close. And she helped me realize that I wish I could go back and do it all over again. And that's a good feeling!

Thank you, Danette!

Sabrina

Life is funny. One day it's business as usual and the next ... well... let's just say it's not. My beautiful sweet Belgian Shepherd died today in my arms. She was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma just a couple weeks ago. Just this passed Monday she hiked up to the cross with us and today she's gone. Wierd. It happened too fast.

It was only 2 years ago that Sabrina came into our lives. It was a total accident that I found her. I went into Theresa's Country Feed and Pet Supply to get a good grooming tool for Max and the Sales Associate said, "We've got a big black hairy dog in the back. I can show you how it works."

"Okay." I said. At this point, I wasn't even thinking about adopting a dog. However, we were seriously considering getting another puppy as a playmate for Max. Nevertheless, when the sales guy said that Sabrina was free to any good home, it totally didn't register. I just said, "Oh that's nice." Then as Carly and I stayed a little longer I started to fall in love with her. She was beautiful. Even though she was in desperate need of a good grooming she was still beautiful. And sweet. She and Carly instantly bonded. Before I knew what was happening, I began asking questions like, "So how much is she?" and "How much is it going to cost to take her home?" The poor kid must have said "Well, she's free." a hundred times before it clicked. For some reason the concept of "free" just didn't register. But when it did, I called up Mike and said, "I think I'm taking a dog home today. " And he, being the good husband that he is, said, "OK, babe. Whatever you want to do." So, Carly and I walked out of Theresa's with a new doggy and new grooming tool.

As it turned out, Sabrina was far from "free." She was 9 years old when we got her and although the records that she came with stated she was in perfect health, she was not. She had really bad teeth. The first week we had her she had to have two teeth pulled. And about every 6 months or so another tooth had to be pulled. Poor Baby. Then finally last Novemeber I took her in for another round of teeth pulling and the vet suspected a tumor. He wasn't sure though because the two teeth were so bad that soft tissue around the teeth was also so bad. So we watched her really close and hoped for the best.

I thought she just had another rotten tooth when I took her in a couple weeks ago. And she did, but it wasn't because of just having rotten teeth. It was because of a tumor. The tooth had to be pulled because the tumor had caused the root to be exposed etc. So she had to undergo another surgery.

The last two weeks have been a roller coaster. She had her good days and bad days. I knew something was definately wrong this morning when I got up to check on her. She was laying in a position that she has never laid in before, but she was able to walk out to the car for our morning jaunt to the dog park. When we got to the dog park she just stood there. Didn't move. Didn't go potty and then walked over to the cement and laid down and wouldn't get back up. I could tell she was in tremondous pain and knew we were near the end. I put the other two dogs in the car and came back and carried Sabrina to the car.

I knew I couldn't go to church today because I knew Sabrina was real close. When we got back from the dog park the kids and I knelt down next to Sabrina and said a prayer. We all cried together and said our goodbyes to Sabrina.

Tonight at around a 7:45 she was whining for me. She wanted to get up and couldn't. So I helped her up and was going to take her outside. As I was helping her, she collapsed in my arms and starting siezing. It was over. I just held her and waited for it to end. When it did I drove her to the Emergency Animal Clinic in Thousand Oaks and said my final goodbyes.

So, it's funny how life is. You can expect for these things to happen and you can know it's going to happen, but no matter what, it still sucks. It hurts. Sabrina was a good dog. I wish we could have known her her whole life. But it was definately worth every moment just knowing her for two years of it.

Goodbye Sabrina! You're ours now, Baby!

Huntington Library

I kept Carly out of school and played hooky at the Huntington Library. The weather was perfect, the company sublime and the scenery exquisite. If you've never gone, you should. It is absolutely one of my most favorite places to visit. And another reason why I love California.

Here are some highlights:

What Can I Say?

What can I say? I know. It's been a long time. I have no excuses other than life has gotten in the way. I know that may seem ironic since this blog is suppose to be about my life or rather our lives, but I guess I just don't know how to squeeze it in my busy day. However, my brother emailed me and asked me what was up with my blog. This completely shocked me since I didn't think any of my family members read it so I'm back at it.

Nonetheless, rather than to go back and try to fill in the blanks I'll start with today:

Today is Sunday. I love Sundays. It's not just that it is the laziest day of the week. I mean I literally do nothing. We go to church, we come home and I fix lunch and that's it. I'm done. The kids fend for themselves from lunchtime on. It's nice. Really. Although I do pay for it. The house is a total wreck once I immerge from my bedroom (after watching an old movie and a nap), but it's worth it. Totally worth it. But I digress. The real reason I love Sundays is because we go to church and I see my friends. It's a double wammy 'cuz I most always feel the spirit and I get to visit with my girls. I love my girls. I really do. And I hate that one of them is moving away. I'm somewhat still in denial about it but I know it's going to happen if that makes any sense. I'm happy for her and her family, but I'm selfish 'cuz I'm sad for me. I love my Elizabeth and I don't want her to leave.

Robert is turning 8 this year. I can't believe it. Eight years old. We, the kids and I, went to the little eight year old orientation tonight at the church. I filled out the Cub Scout Registration form and everything. Wierd. He is so excited about it though. So excited. He can't wait. I'm already crying over his baptism and will continue to cry over his growing up.

So far this year has been the same as last year. Mike is still gone all the time. Poor thing. He hates it as much as we do. But as my sweet friend, Shandie, pointed out there is still a lot left in the year so there is still plenty of time for it to get better.....Yep....

I'm not one to pretend that all is well. Life has been hard for the last year and a half or so. But at the same time I can't complain. Things can always get worse. But I am greatful for this life and especially mine. Because no matter how hard it gets I have a husband who loves me and two wonderful kids and, really, what else matters?

Love you Kirk!

Robert

Today's Robert's birthday. He's 7. ..... I can't believe he's 7. It just seems like moments ago when Mike was driving me to the hospital the 2nd time (the first time was a false alarm).

I remember watching everyone rushing around when the time had come for me to push. I couldn't feel anything because I had the epidural so it was quite humorous watching everyone rushing around. But then it hit me -- the reality of my life never being the same. No more just me and Mike. No more just MY time. No more... sleep! Life was never going to be the same and that terrified me. And still I truly had no idea just how much my life was going to change.

My sweet baby entered the world October 28, 2002. He was 9 lbs 6oz, 21 1/2 inches long and as healthy as a horse. All the other babies in the maternity ward were sickly and had to stay in the hospital for weeks, but not Rob. He was ready to go home the next day. Such a stud right from the get go!

Today he's 67 lbs and 4'3" tall. Can you believe that? I was watching him walk across the playground to his classroom today and noticed that he's already got a little strut to his walk and thought "What happened to my baby??? It's like he bypassed his youth and headed straight into adolescence!"

But the best thing I love about my son is that he's a better person than me. He has a heart of gold and he's a stronger person than I could ever be. And even though I was terrified for him to come into my life, he definately changed my life for good.

Happy Birthday, Robert!

Highlights From Summer

Just a few highlights from summer.....

Carly's Birthday

The Getty Museum

Grandma Sandy!!!!

(can you find her through all the hugs?)

Grandma Sandy with Logan

Beach with Family and Friends

Carly & Grandma Sandy

Robert & Shawn

(Hiding the bodies I presume)

Dolphins!!!!

Carly & Andrew

Rob & Carly hangin' with their posse

Ahhhh!! Good times! And then......

The First Day of School :(